We Respect Your Privacy

Photo taken without permission
Courtesy Mildred (right); pending approval


The New Shaocong Times was at the right place at the right time to provide coverage of this fetching person's 22nd birthday party held at Harry's Bar, Esplanade. This handsome person, who would prefer to remain anonymous, and would only give his name as Shane Low Jiawei @ http://whereisthespoon.blogspot.com, told us utterly not to reveal any information about him. We, the editorial team, gravely informed this unknown gentlemen of our policy of complete respect and privacy, and assured him that we would not print his full name and blog address on this website - a promise we have closely kept.

Kitten To Give Away!

Beautiful black kitten is a description made utterly redundant by the photo above, taken by the seller, equally beautiful (though of Chinese descent) neighbour of many years, Adeline. I have no idea whether the kitten answers to any name, but if he did, I'd call him Teabags, for no notable reason whatsoever.

A helpful thing to know that this kitten, in addition to being completely adorable, is very active. As active, I may say, as a whole litter of cows! Cows on steroids on a treadmill! That is to say, it is indeed very active.

Anyway to enquire about said kitten, please email the New Shaocong Times at shaocong@animail.net. To sell your own kitten, email the said address. Know first, however, that we do not display shaved pussies.

New Shaocong Times Moves To New Address

(via Mysterious Internet Airships powered by Monkeys)

Special Update:

The famous newspaper and century's most important record of the world's pressing news, The New Shaocong Times, has moved from our previous site at Xanga.com to Blogger.com in the internet realm. Along with the shift in internet address, the physical offices have also been shifted to the Petronas Towers, KL. Selected posts have also been transferred to the new site for new readers to enjoy. Loyal readers can still expect the same combination of quality reporting, professional journalism, and large pictures of orange furry dick in the coming future, along with prompt, current updates that you, valued reader, have come to anticipate with every glowing post.

Annual KE VII Hall Play Leaves UCC in Flames

Entertainment - It has been an eventful year in the Singaporean arts scene, and one of the most memorable performances has been the King Edward VII Hall Production's two hour play, "Barefoot in the Park".

The play had been lauded as "exciting, a sure blockbuster hit - Variety Fair" and "Better than The Ring - Seven Days Magazine" by arts journalist at the preview, and by the reception on opening night, these recommendations were not exaggerated.

With the draw of the curtain, the audience were treated to the sight of lavish and opulent set, made up of warm colour tones and a selection of tasteful yet bohemian mish mash of natural furniture. Many a home maker remarked that "Wow, I'd never be able to make my two room HDB condo flat look like THAT!"

And when the performance began proper, what a performance it was. The audience laughed, they rolled, they dabbed their eyes with their sleeves in barely contained mirth. At at the end of the first act, Victor Velasco, played by first year law student and next year arts student Huang Shaocong, came on and the whole place erupted.

Not in applause, unfortunately. Due to a careless act of attempting to cook supper as a celebratory gesture for the entire cast and pruduction team by a stagehand, there was a gas leak which sparked a great fire. Singapore almost had the most important arts event of the century and NUS used to have a UCC. Alas it was not to be. Our sad and grieving editorial team would request a minute of somber silence for the actors and members of the King Edward VII Hall Productions.

Whoa that's really orange

Editor:

To answer all pending questions on the size of my package and its seemingly orange, furry properties, the picture below was posted.


Picture: Taken by satellite

I went to Eusoff Hall with this and asked a girl to touch it while standing outside her room. She went inside for a while and came out with a stick that she jabbed at me. Indeed, having crabs in one's groin is not a fun condition.

Friends of New Shaocong Times

To be a recognised Friend of The New Shaocong Times, readers must send in their photos and be the closest and most treasured companions of the editor Mr Huang Shaocong. This criteria is satisfied by accomplishing months of intense male bonding, gaining the favourhood of all his known brothers, and providing unconditional love and support throughout his most Unworthy life.

Be a Friend of the New Shaocong Times today!

Pension State Lives

Photo: www.pensionstate.com

PENSION STATE STILL BESIDE YOU

"Beside Me" was one of the best songs off Awakening Production's CD compilation, "Bulb #1". The compilation was released back in '98. Since then, few of the bands have been actually active. Blyss, Starfish and Parousia released albums to minimal fanfare, hardly making a wave in the local scenes. All 3 were decent releases, with shining songs and tasteful production. But none were unveiled with the excitement and anticipation of the new Pension State EP, "Yesterdays Make Your Tomorrows".

Among the aforementioned bands, Pension State took the longest to record the new material (they took 7 years), such that when it was announced, more than a few local music followers were surprised the band were still active at all. In fact, for months before its release, the band had been playing at various gigs and places like the Third Place, creating hype for the release - hype sorely missing from the releases from the other bands. As a result, the expectation for the new EP were high, and many wondered how the band could stand out among the present wave of local acts.

The album, fortunately, stacks well against those expectations, faring better than most expected. However, some may still level criticisms against the now-obvious chosen direction of the band. What direction? Emo. Tempered with elements of screamo and - gasp - death metal vocals. And the newly revamped "Beside Me", which removes the sung ditty-like "doo-doo-doo" intro of the original that made the song so instantly likable 6 years ago, with a prolonged instrumental intro comprising the unmistakable palm-muted melodic riff, thankfully retained in all its choppy melodic fury; Also, the final minute now has screaming bits added to the background mix that reveals the band's present screamo fixation.

So, Pension State can be said to be unabashedly, shamelessly emo. How does the band compare to the countless other emo outfits vying for attention in dreary Singapore? Very well indeed.

The sound is tighter, crunchier, more immediate than it has ever been, the product of 6 subsequent years of hard practice and live shows. The guitars chug along with new purpose and precision, and ring with great clarity, only boosted by production that leaves the songs polished, without removing the band's raw urgency. The new songs are fantastic, all strong catchy melodies, supported by an older, more confident main vocalist.

Most surprising was the band's sense of experimentation, best exemplified by the lyrical bridge of "Ordinary 21", possibly the best sounding (and unexpectedly patriotic) statement on serving the nation to come from Singapore's usually disgruntled youth, and the death-ish growling that concludes "Paran".

Among all the recent significant local emo band releases, including Plain Sunset's swansong "The Gift" and the compilation "3 letter sessions b" - which also features a song from Pension State - "Yesterdays Make Your Tomorrows" is definitely a worthy release that holds it own easily, and well deserving of the $10 you should be plunking down the counter for this, as soon as you can, albeit coming six years late.

Pension State deserves some props. Send them some appreciative support at www.pensionstate.com; and check out other new releases at www.wakemeupmusic.com. Editor signing out. Peace.

King Edward VII: The Hall To Be In

Contributor/Editor Huang Shaocong on Halloween:

"...bountiful, like monkeys trapped in a piñata, the bursting of which releases forth much joy and ooking."


Reuter - King Edward VII Hall (KE) is presently the temporary home of a community of international students, most of which would be rejected from the local equivalent of a fraternity hall for lack of arbitrary standards of happening-ness.

Traditionally, KE was a hall for housing drunken medical students, who would drink nightly, and before exams, only to graduate in a relatively sober state with qualifications to take knives to the anaesthetized bodies of unconscious people.

Then, admission to the hall was opened to students of other faculties. With the new intake, life turned stale. People forgot KE, and the great tradition of boozed excess forged by generations of intoxicated doctors-to-be. Now, people often associating the hall with asceticism and monotony. The drunk doctors did not remain long to see the effects.

For the past few years, the population of the hall, even with the remaining doctors, has seemingly been under anaesthesia.

However, there have been signs of reform in this quiet hall. Residents have decided to bring the love back into KE. A post-traumatic treatment of sorts, to recover the hall to vibrant, healthy levels of life essence.

Observe, if you will, the AFRO-ed banner in the dining hall, sitting upon a smiling lighbulb, a golden crown perched atop the afro's bouncy excess. What does it mean? Why is the lightbulb smiling? Why, indeed, is the afro bright fluorescent pink?

Anyone from Eusoff who was in hall on Halloween would likely remember the trick or treating. This writer can assure you, reader, that was merely a show of intention. That was merely a preview. What the banner promises, however, is the full scope of reform that may or may not happen next year. They are intending the whole echidna.

Of course, there are the usual wet blankets. People who insist on proper procedures, same old shit. People who want closed doors, quiet lives. Well, that's not hall life. Hall life is a pink glowing afro. It is dressing up for trick-or-treat on a school day. It is contributing to a common hall culture.

Maybe I don't subscribe to the real KE culture. I could be an oddity, a wayward sheep. Even if that was so, I'm sure the learned reader would agree that sometimes, it takes a different drumbeat to make things more interesting. And sometimes, that beat is the rhythm of a sincere heart.

I truly want to make KE a hall I can be proud of. And I see the fire in the principle people who are going to make that happen. I don't mean the JCRC.

I mean Orientation-team. Pass the word, readers: KE's the place to be next semester. Don't put us down. Come on in.

Mini-reviews

Magnet: "On Your Side" (Ultimate Dilemma)
(+) There must be a country where everyone sings like Thom Yorke. It must be bloody cold there.

Deftones: "White Pony" (Maverick)
(-) I [used to hang] out at Holland Village with my [ex-girlfriend] all the time, which makes me either half a prick, or two-thirds a Hossan Leong. Whichever.

Smashing Pumpkins: "Mellon Collie & the Infinite Sadness" (Hut)
(+) I have two copies of this opulent rock opera. No, I'm keeping the other one.

Jet: "Get Born" (Elektra)
(-) I hate Oasis. I really used to like them, though.

Note: Hossan Leong checked me out at the second performance of Kumar's "Not Guilty". He is a gay gay man, and I am hot.

KEVII Band Takes Over The World

(Record label says, “oh no what have we done now…”)

Reuter- The recent resurgence of bad hair-metal bands can be blamed on a band called the “KEVII Band”. Based mainly in Singapore, and occasionally, the whole fucking world, the KEVII band have been hailed as new rock messiahs of the 00’s.

“It’s hard to be modest when you’re better than 99.999% of the rest of the bands out there, but we try. We really do.”
-Anoymous Sexy Member of the KEVII Band


Photo: band

The band has hit every chart in existence at a breakthrough position of #1, including the Gramophone Classical charts, Harlem Jazz Magazine charts and the Swedish Death Metal Pop Hits Chart. Anarchists and common people the world over celebrated as pop queen Britney Spears’ song ‘You Drive My Baby Slave Crazy One More Time’ fell off the Top 40 where it has held strong for six hundred and sixty-six weeks. All forty positions of the chart are now filled up with KEVII Band’s new single, titled ‘I Hate the Retarded “You Drive My Baby Slave Crazy One More Time” Song’.

Iraqi citizens ran out of their war-torn houses and into the streets to welcome the KEVII Band tour buses blasting the hit single ‘I Hate the Retarded…Song’ out of 4000 watt ghetto speakers mounted on the front. Unfortunately, jubilation quickly turned into outrage as civilian casualties mounted, largely due to the bus drivers not being able to see past the massive speakers blocking their windshields.

Lastly, international demand has resulted in the band members finally agreeing to clone themselves into little midget versions of the super rock group, ‘just for the fans’. Be sure to check your local music stores and under your shoe cabinets in the near future for adorable miniature versions of these rockin’ rockers! Rock out!

Drummer Girl Porn Sucks

Photo: band

Today, the music died as a NTU band, the distastefully named 'Drummer Girl Porn' ('DGP'), simply existed in a totally sucky way.

DGP is a local band that won accolades in the music scene, once blazing a path of glory across the stratosphere of sub-par Bon Jovi cover bands that populate the college rock scene. The band members are, corresponding to the above photo: Tommy, Barry, Shaun and their back-up vocalist, who is presently being held in prison. He has since been replaced by Portia, the cow.

Ever since the band won first runner-up in the prestigious Jam X Band Competition, the members have each attained individual fame and pending sainthood. Various fan-sites appeared all over the vast internet, gushing critical acclaim over their highly original sound. Their music has been vaguely described as a mixture of 90's radio rock, frantic punk riffs, and a heavy blues treatment; and the band, 'a tightly wound melodic outfit, existing only to rock the world to it's undeserving knees'.

However, the band's sound seems to have changed somewhat since then. According to the fans that used to stand behind the band, they now play like "c***-sucking mother****ers". The switch in musical styles, which is now a smooth sugary blend of R&B beats and rehashed Backstreet Boys vocals, has been attributed to the members alternatively turning gay, and violently pussy-whipped.

Fans were nowhere to be found when questioned on the truth of the accusations, but a close friend, the editor of this paper, commented that:

"I, myself, have heard the band pretty recently, and I can definitely attest to the band turning, uh, gay and pussified. In fact, I've heard better music off a eighty year old Geylang hooker's vagina."

Stay tuned to this reporter, as the New Shaocong Times tries to acquire an exclusive interview with the band itself in the next few weeks.

Note: Do hit the dickhead guitarist's website at http://www.fullservesite.com/thefishtank/main.html for updates.

Plainsunset Retires

Photo: wakemeupmusic.com

Today we lament the end of one of Singapore's great 3-chord punk rock bands. Plainsunset is disbanding after a decade of heartrending performances and three seminal albums, each a delicate glass sun, filled with names of lost lovers. I've never seen mosh pits filled with fans as passionate as Plainsunset fans. Every single girl or boy pressing towards the stage seems to be searching for something, not just than a light, more than a fire. Plainsunset never offer the answer, with makes their music all the more tragic, painful, introspective. They create the need to feel, to yearn. A line from a song in their last record reads:


Photo: plainsunset.com

"When the sun rises again,
I will be there with you my friend,
and I will be there,
looking over your shoulder."


A moment of silence for the heartbroken emo kids, the Plainsunset fans. And the band, who have always been so fiercely adverse to the emo tag, who have changed so many hearts and done so much for the music scene, that as the sun finally goes down, you can't help that they're still there, looking over your shoulder. Don't forget them.

Special Feature, "21st Birthday Party Picture Extravaganza"

This week the editor presents you, dear readers and beloved brothers, with a photograph of crazed schoolgirls doing the Para-para to authentic eurobeat in the background, courtesy of directional dance videos supplied by none other than international techno vinyl spinner DJ Nick- who else?




Photos: Reuter

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Letters may appear blurred or moving downwards. This means you have been on the net too long and you should rub your eyes vigorously to undo the unhealthy effects of lost time. Or you could be just thinking about your last semester's paper, like me, and feeling sad. In which case, I recommend putting on these positive inspirational CDs!

1. Kid A, Radiohead;
2. OK Computer, Radiohead;
3. Disintegration, The Cure.

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