Disaster Report

Reuter – Construction started two months ago at the Esplanade area for the venue of the last party that is slated to occur on the brink of utter apocalypse. Spokesman for the building project, Mr. Didi Olso Wanaparti, told Dé Pressing Times that the following: “would easily host the entire population of the world, or at least what is left of it at the moment. We expect our target crowd would include escaping Eskimos, shaken villagers, and the like. Indeed, this building will be home to the most diverse and international crowd of party-goers Singapore since Womad, though that isn’t really a high [watermark] if you think about it.”

From what Dé Pressing Times can see, Mr. Wanaparti’s statement is not far off the mark. Research done in the National University of Singapore shows that this is the most ambitious and difficult building project ever taken on these shores. The closest contender to the sheer size and scope of the planned structure is the Esplanade, recently pulverized by a falling meteor, and after that, only by the impenetrable barriers constructed for the Hoobastank concert at Sentosa that still occupy the world record for ‘Most Effective Crowd Control Instrument’ in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Photo: Reuter

Dé Pressing Times is also excited to reveal that we have obtained exclusive information on certain features that have been built into the structure. Sprinklers have been installed around the interior, and the sides have been reinforced with alloy titanium plates – indeed, there’s no fun in a party that ends before the world does first. Also, live television and radio broadcasts will be fed into the finished structure to provide a pressing narrative of mankind’s premature doom, while attendants party the last of their lives into oblivion.